It took quite awhile for me to realize this. You're pretty good at acting but the truth has finally shown through. Didn't realize until recently that you wouldn't hesitate to drop me or leave me behind if it means something more for you. I don't know, maybe it's just the culture you've come from or the friends you keep but this has completely caught me from behind. I always thought that a person shouldn't leave their friends behind or even those that they've made promises to. If you're going to bail, at least make sure the other person has a contingency plan. Even if it means being disadvantaged or making your life a little bit harder, at the very least try to think about me. I'm so unimportant that you don't even feel guilty of leaving me behind. You even think I'm trying to push you out of the arrangement and take your place. Who do you think I am? You? I wouldn't do that, I have higher standards for myself. I wouldn't even do what you did to someone I don't tell everyone I think is significant.
When your argument for blowing me off is that you already told others that you would go with them, it hurts. Especially because, when you agreed to me first, it means I am infinitely less important than the others. You arn't afraid of offending me because I hold no importance. I'm just your amusement for the moment and you'll just drop me when the time comes, when something better comes along or I seem to be slowing you down.
You say you care about me but then don't show it. Your words say I'm worth something but your actions say I'm worthless. You've talked about how no one came to your aid when you were ill but would you have come to theirs? If you treat me like I'm worthless why would you expect me to value you.
I've always thought of plans as plans and not something that could be blown off at a whim. Maybe it's not that you lack these ideals but rather just see me as so worthless that they don't apply. I'm just a fling, even though you don't refer to it as that, it's how you think of it. Later on, you'll just tell people, "Oh, that's just some guy I had a fling with once", when I pass by. And like the pathetic person I am, I'm just going to take it all.
Maybe it's just me. I'm always just the guy that's good for showing off but unwanted otherwise. Girls always say sweet things but never actually mean them. The thing I hate most however, is that I can't do the same. I can't defend myself by devaluing you. My values hold me together and otherwise I'd be lost.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
can;t sleep again, come on
I can't sleep again. I'm not sure why but it seems to always help to write on here. I keep thinking of this girl and missing her. I feel like i shouldnt though. I don't really think she's that pretty and she was acting really strange and mean to me towards the end of school. though wen i got sick she did help bring me food. I mean, she did say she was sorry for it and we have been talking since. It's just that I don't know why it still bothers me so much, or rather why i still feel so much for her. So much that its keeping me from sleeping.
I guess I have been talking to her through AIM and i do really enjoy her personality, well most of the time. and maybe thats why, its as if I'm falling back in love with her, except for the fact that love is too strong of a word, but you get the idea. towards the end of the semester i was starting to really dislike her and feeling pretty shitty about her but now i feel good about her again. However, that's probably a bad thing becasue it means i'm starting to like her again. The thing is though, that when I first met her i didn't think i'd ever really have a thing like this for her. I didnt think i'd ever like her this much and i never thought she'd cause this much grief for me.
I remember in the begining when i could tell she had a thing for me, thinking that I guess i'd make out with her if it would make her happy or feel better about me flirting with other girls. But it was an I guess and not an I want to. It was a thought of how I'd make someone else feel better instead of thinking of something that I wanted. It was sort of a reaction to try and calm the situation down. I mean, i realize now that it would never have helped in the way I thought it would but that's besides the point. What I'm getting at is that this isn't one of those cases where you see someone and immediately start liking them romanticaly. I didn't start to think of her this way until way later. I didn't even think of a possibility in the beginining.
Well, that's the way I felt. For her on hte otherhand, i think it was actually the opposite. She liked me since hte begining (or at least that's what I'm told) and when I say like I mean she thought that something could happen and was attracted to me. It was sort of as if the longer I knew her the less she enjoyed hanging out with me and hte less she liked me. Once I stopped hooking up with her, she decided I wasnt fun anymore.
well, anyway, it's hard to sleep because I keep thinking about her. This knot keeps building up in my chest and I can't fall asleep.
I guess I have been talking to her through AIM and i do really enjoy her personality, well most of the time. and maybe thats why, its as if I'm falling back in love with her, except for the fact that love is too strong of a word, but you get the idea. towards the end of the semester i was starting to really dislike her and feeling pretty shitty about her but now i feel good about her again. However, that's probably a bad thing becasue it means i'm starting to like her again. The thing is though, that when I first met her i didn't think i'd ever really have a thing like this for her. I didnt think i'd ever like her this much and i never thought she'd cause this much grief for me.
I remember in the begining when i could tell she had a thing for me, thinking that I guess i'd make out with her if it would make her happy or feel better about me flirting with other girls. But it was an I guess and not an I want to. It was a thought of how I'd make someone else feel better instead of thinking of something that I wanted. It was sort of a reaction to try and calm the situation down. I mean, i realize now that it would never have helped in the way I thought it would but that's besides the point. What I'm getting at is that this isn't one of those cases where you see someone and immediately start liking them romanticaly. I didn't start to think of her this way until way later. I didn't even think of a possibility in the beginining.
Well, that's the way I felt. For her on hte otherhand, i think it was actually the opposite. She liked me since hte begining (or at least that's what I'm told) and when I say like I mean she thought that something could happen and was attracted to me. It was sort of as if the longer I knew her the less she enjoyed hanging out with me and hte less she liked me. Once I stopped hooking up with her, she decided I wasnt fun anymore.
well, anyway, it's hard to sleep because I keep thinking about her. This knot keeps building up in my chest and I can't fall asleep.
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