by myself

It took quite awhile for me to realize this. You're pretty good at acting but the truth has finally shown through. Didn't realize until recently that you wouldn't hesitate to drop me or leave me behind if it means something more for you. I don't know, maybe it's just the culture you've come from or the friends you keep but this has completely caught me from behind. I always thought that a person shouldn't leave their friends behind or even those that they've made promises to. If you're going to bail, at least make sure the other person has a contingency plan. Even if it means being disadvantaged or making your life a little bit harder, at the very least try to think about me. I'm so unimportant that you don't even feel guilty of leaving me behind. You even think I'm trying to push you out of the arrangement and take your place. Who do you think I am? You? I wouldn't do that, I have higher standards for myself. I wouldn't even do what you did to someone I don't tell everyone I think is significant.

When your argument for blowing me off is that you already told others that you would go with them, it hurts. Especially because, when you agreed to me first, it means I am infinitely less important than the others. You arn't afraid of offending me because I hold no importance. I'm just your amusement for the moment and you'll just drop me when the time comes, when something better comes along or I seem to be slowing you down.

You say you care about me but then don't show it. Your words say I'm worth something but your actions say I'm worthless. You've talked about how no one came to your aid when you were ill but would you have come to theirs? If you treat me like I'm worthless why would you expect me to value you.

I've always thought of plans as plans and not something that could be blown off at a whim. Maybe it's not that you lack these ideals but rather just see me as so worthless that they don't apply. I'm just a fling, even though you don't refer to it as that, it's how you think of it. Later on, you'll just tell people, "Oh, that's just some guy I had a fling with once", when I pass by. And like the pathetic person I am, I'm just going to take it all.

Maybe it's just me. I'm always just the guy that's good for showing off but unwanted otherwise. Girls always say sweet things but never actually mean them. The thing I hate most however, is that I can't do the same. I can't defend myself by devaluing you. My values hold me together and otherwise I'd be lost.

can;t sleep again, come on

I can't sleep again. I'm not sure why but it seems to always help to write on here. I keep thinking of this girl and missing her. I feel like i shouldnt though. I don't really think she's that pretty and she was acting really strange and mean to me towards the end of school. though wen i got sick she did help bring me food. I mean, she did say she was sorry for it and we have been talking since. It's just that I don't know why it still bothers me so much, or rather why i still feel so much for her. So much that its keeping me from sleeping.

I guess I have been talking to her through AIM and i do really enjoy her personality, well most of the time. and maybe thats why, its as if I'm falling back in love with her, except for the fact that love is too strong of a word, but you get the idea. towards the end of the semester i was starting to really dislike her and feeling pretty shitty about her but now i feel good about her again. However, that's probably a bad thing becasue it means i'm starting to like her again. The thing is though, that when I first met her i didn't think i'd ever really have a thing like this for her. I didnt think i'd ever like her this much and i never thought she'd cause this much grief for me.

I remember in the begining when i could tell she had a thing for me, thinking that I guess i'd make out with her if it would make her happy or feel better about me flirting with other girls. But it was an I guess and not an I want to. It was a thought of how I'd make someone else feel better instead of thinking of something that I wanted. It was sort of a reaction to try and calm the situation down. I mean, i realize now that it would never have helped in the way I thought it would but that's besides the point. What I'm getting at is that this isn't one of those cases where you see someone and immediately start liking them romanticaly. I didn't start to think of her this way until way later. I didn't even think of a possibility in the beginining.

Well, that's the way I felt. For her on hte otherhand, i think it was actually the opposite. She liked me since hte begining (or at least that's what I'm told) and when I say like I mean she thought that something could happen and was attracted to me. It was sort of as if the longer I knew her the less she enjoyed hanging out with me and hte less she liked me. Once I stopped hooking up with her, she decided I wasnt fun anymore.

well, anyway, it's hard to sleep because I keep thinking about her. This knot keeps building up in my chest and I can't fall asleep.

ingenious or eccentric?

if you look close you can see that the car doors are locked by a cable running through the handles and a combination lock holding them together. Amazing huh?

why'd i do it again

why do i keep falling for this, for you


haha, this seems really cliche but i wrote a song/something that came to mind. honestly, i got the idea from that academy is... song, checkmarks but anyway, heregoes:

you decide to go back to my house
take me to my bedroom
get me outa my clothes

you say don't tell anyone
your afraid of what they'll think!
Don't tell anyone, your just using me, I'm just another tool
just use me and throw me away,
throw me away like you used to, like you do everytime

your afraid of what they'll think!

graduation is soon

it kind of makes me sad that everyone else is sad about highschool ending soon. they are sad that they will never see some people again or that they will be leaving all this behind. The part that makes me sad is that i don't feel any sadness about leaving it behind. i feel like i'm ready for the new life. i dont really have any attachment to any of my friends, well, at least not that much anyway. i don't feel like i'll feel anything after i leave. i'll just make new friends and in all probability forget these ones. this is the part that makes me sad.

the reason i don't feel this attachment though is because i've never really had any really good friends anywhere i went. no one that i actually stayed friends with after i left the school. i've gotten used to it. everytime i changed schools, which was too often, i just made new friends and forgot the old ones. the fact that i do this and the fact that it doesnt bother me to leave all these people behind is what saddens me. and these are great people too, if i could be friends with them for the rest of my life i probably would but the fact that i probably wont really doesnt bother me. in a way this scares me.

ugh.. my stomach

sometimes happiness is found in relief. Sometimes there is just a pain that keeps bothering you and everything done is to relieve that pain.


o f' my stomach hurts. i'm trying to write an essay about happiness but it's hard when you don't feel happy, and even harder when you feel like ur just gunna curl up and ..ugh.

Something i was thinking of, i think it may actually come out as a poem, thatd be nice:


It kills me a little everytime i lie to you.
It kills me a little inside.

When i say that i can't go with u,
when i lie about my reasons.

When i see your face,
I can't hate you,
but when i think,
It's hard not to.

I lied about why i didn't go with your posse to the dance.
I told you it was because of friends.
When it really,
was because of you.

I didn't want to see your face.
I don't think i could've survived a night like that.

I would have tried avoiding you the entire time.
wishing that you were still mine.

I would have hid my thoughts in someone else.
I would have hid you from view with someone else.

So that's why i didn't go with you.
That's why I went with a bunch of strangers.
That's why.

For that, I'm sorry.