alone on a saturday night

im at home all alone on a saturday night. well, its not just tonight thats making me depressed. i've kinda been at home for two days not doing anything. both nights noone was even on AIM. now thats something. it seems like everyone is out having fun or has family over cuz christmas is in two days. I'm at home all alone. i dont even have my family here cuz theyre out having fun. my dad asked me to go with him to the spectrum but i said i didnt want to go out. the truth was that i didn't want to go hang out with him. i really dont enjoy it because he gets really childish. It seems like everything i do gets on his nerves and he can never have a real conversation with me becasue he always has to be right about everything. If he can't win an arguement he'll say that his point is right and y do i have to argue with everything he says. I don't argue. i rarely even say anything to him nowadays becaue i've just given up. He also seems to hate me because every little thing i do he gets pissed. Even if he doesnt say that hes mad he'll have this face on that says he's pissed. He's kinda like a little kid, he'll say that he's fine or not answer ur questions when u ask whats wrong but he'll be pissed. Then he'll go on not answering me about anything, ignoring me when i say things he doesn't want to hear or ignoring me to "get back at me". He says that i give him the "silent treatment" when in fact i always answer what he says. the person that actually does ignore him and not answer is my brother, who by the way, he loves. the only reason i'm staying over at his house is becasue i feel bad for him because ive been staying at my moms for awhile. Ive been trying to convince myself that it was becasue everyone else had school but i really wouldnt mind that. It would actually be better for me because i would have the house to myself without any parents. this is so lame. why can't my dad just act like the adult he is instead of having this childish behavior.

WINTER BREAK

WINTER BREAK!!!!! lol, its winter break. and ive finished writing 1st drafts of my college essays. i'm excited.

FUCKING BITCH

winter formal

It's kind of depressing how everyone has a date to winter formal and everything. or at least has someone they want to ask. right now the only person i want to ask i cant really becasue we broke up already. It's kind of killing me. I don't know if shed say yes even if i did ask her but im afraid to ask. not becasue im afraid of the rejection, that i can handle, mostly becasue im half expecting it, but im afraid that itll remind her or watever about the whole relationship and breakup and remind her that i still like her. i also dont want her to feel like going out with me again or anything, becasue frankly, she seems happier when im not around. she'd probly have a much better time at winter formal if i wasnt going with her. ahh fuck.

Thanksgiving!!

Thanksgiving is almost over, and i am so tired. i just watched "Lost in Translation". It was pretty good.

We didn't have turkey this year, not for any important reason but just becasue the turkey hadn't finished cooking in time. Dinner was OK, not the best meal ive ever had, and definately not the best thanksgiving meal i've ever had, but it wasn't bad.

I've never thought about what i was thankful for on thanksgiving before. I guess i never really realized what thanksgiving was all about. Now that i think of it, i am thankful for my brother, my mom, my sister, my dad, and my friends. These people and then all of the material things we have. Sometimes my dad doesn't seem like he likes me at all, and at times he tells me things like that he doesn't love me and doesn't think we can have a father son relationship anymore. It used to hurt me really bad but recently i've just been ignoring it. This is really sad actually, that i have gotten to the point where i just don't care about the thigns my dad says anymore. This bothers me a little bit but doesn't hurt nearly as much as back when i did care.

My mom has always been very nice to me and has always loved me and supported me. I am exteremely thankful for her.

Although me and my brother don't always get along i am still glad to have him. There are a lot of other kids out there who don't have any siblings and i wonder about how much lonelier their lives must be. Now that i think of it, i am really glad i have a brother, even though he can get annoying at times. Just imagine sitting at home on a holiday like thanksgiving and not having anyone at home except your parents. Especially if it was a big house. your parents would be busy with their own things and you would be all alone.

When i think of only children i think of Alle Hsu. I don't know why i think of her specifically but she just happens to be the first one to come to mind. She lives in this huge dark house. When i am in it it feels cold and gloomy. I don't know how she can live in that house all alone. There doesn't seem to be any warmth in that house, no matter where i look.

I am thankful for my sister becasuse she is my sister and she is just amazing. She is happy most of the time and she is so amazingly cute. If she is happy and not misbehaving she can be the most delightful person ever. She can make almost anyone happy if she wants to.

Okay, well thats my thanksgiving. happy thanksgiving to everyone.

yeah, more about me and my sad life (sarcasm intended)

I'm not over my ex yet. this is actually really bothering me. We've already agreed that it won't happen again, or rather she said that she wont do it again, (we've "gone out" 3 times so far) but i still have that hope that it will happen again, and maybe, just maybe, actually work. This is really sad becasue it's really botherin me soo much and it feels like it follows me through the day and affects me in everything that i do. I try not to show it and, personally, i think i've been doing a very good job of that recently. Also, when i do happen to show it, i just pass it off as a lack of sleep, which seems to work really well.

When we broke up she said that it wouldn't be any different, that there would just be the title of boyfriend and girlfriend missing. I'm still wondering what she meant by that because it is a lot different. It isn't like we were one of those couples that didnt ever talk. We actually talked a lot and i would hold her when we were together. We would hug and everything everytime we said goodbye too, even if it was just for a moment. It feels completely different now that we aren't going out. I really wonder what she meant by that.
(if anyone could give any insight into this, that would be really helpful actually).

christmas before thanksgiving.

awww... i just saw love acctually and i feel like its christmas. i usually hate christmas time, just becasue it seems too warm and fuzzy. But after this movie i actually feel like i like it. Now, if only i had a girlfriend.

I'm talking about christmas and it's not even thanksgiving yet.

more thots

i really miss going out with my ex. yeah, i talk about it alot, probably because that's what is on my mind most of the time. It still hurts and i'm not over it yet. it sucks.
Today someone i hadn't really talked to in 4 years came and talked to me and asked wats been goin on in my life the last for years. So we spent awhile catching up and we ended up talking about me and my ex, somehow she knew about it.

I feel a bit brain dead. I finished all my homeowrk but i'm still a bit stressed out. Thank goodness thanksgiving break is coming up.

ugh, i feel so brain dead and stressed out...

I've read some stuff written by other high school students in blogs on places like myspace and they are all so deep and heart wrenching. It seems like they all have so much anguish in their lives and like their lives are all so bad.

I've also read a few by this one friend of mine, and it seems like i mean so much to him. I can't really see me being that kinda person. I dont really see how i could mean much to anyone besides my family. It kind of confuses me.

wow, secret santa

wow, i just read about this guy that goes around every year around christmas time and hands out money to people. This guy is amazing. I really admire him. I hope that when i grow up i can help people that much, or make that many people happy.

most memorable moment...

I recently got the form for my senior yearbook comments. One of the questions it asked was what my most memorable moments in high school were. I thought and thought and eventually realized that i really couldn't put my most memorable moments in the yearbook for various reasons. So, i ended up just writing something stupid.

The moment that i truly remember the most is when i took my girlfriend (no names, thats one of my new rules for this blog) on a date in Laguna Beach. She's now my ex-girlfriend, but at the time she was my girlfriend (this was like 2 weeks ago). I picked her up from her house at 5:30 and we drove to Laguna Beach. I parked the car accross the street formt he restaurant i had made reservations at and we walked to the sand at Main Beach. It was still awhile before the time i had made the reservation so we walked on the beach for awhile, eventually sitting on the wooden walkway, dangling out feet over the sand. We sat there talking and playing with the sand with out feet. After awhile we went to dinner.

OK, im going to skip to the part that i actually meant as my most memorable moment.

After dinner we drove to Treasure Island (one of the beaches througout Laguna Beach) and we walked down to the sand. We made our way to a spot on the sand where we sat down and watched the waves rise and fall. It was a bit chilly so i wrapped the blanket i had brought around my girlfriend, my arm also around her. We sat there for awhle, just chatting and holding hands. Every once in awhile i would put my head to hers, or she would lean her head against me. eventually we were sitting so close together that as we talked i leaned my cheek against hers and i closed my eyes to savor the moment. We talked for awhile, about random things, one topic i remember was how the boats we saw out in the ocean seemed to be rising into the sky as they floated further out. It was so dark that we could not see the horizon so they truly looked as if they were flying away. We sat there and i held her close.

Eventually we stood up because sitting on sand can get sore after awhile. We stood on the beach and just held each other. we held each other as close as we could. I felt as if i never wanted this moment to end. Every once in awhile we could see a flash coming from the land side of the beach and couldnt figure out where it was coming from. One time however, i was looking at the land side and i saw that the flash was coming from these other people on the beach, seemingly taking pictures, odd huh. We just held each other and kissed for awhile... (this seems like a good place to end the story)

i wish i was still going out with my girlfriend.

a few weeks ago i told my girlfriend (at the time) that i would stop drinking and smoking for her, but then we broke up. that hurt alot. i smoked that weekend. And quitting drinking isn't going to happen anymore. I really wanted to too, but not really for me but for her. Now, there doesn't really seem to be a point. i really couldn't care less about the thigns that happen to me while im drunk, i'm pretty responsible about it anyway.

i miss having a girlfriend, and i miss her being my girlfriend. I miss being able to hug her and hold her. I miss hanging out with her and i miss the connection there was.

Now, we barely hang out and we barely talk. it's made me so depressed lately and apparently ive been bringing other people down. I really don't want anyone else to feel bad so i've stopped acting depressed and put my smiling face back on. It still hurts inside though.

I allmost broke into tears the other day when i heard how much my looking depressed has hurt her. i wish we had never broken up and that there was never a reason for us to break up.

these posts dont really seem to have any specific topic...

I titled my last post college apps but after i published it i realized that most of it had nothing to do with college apps. i kind of like how it developed though. I wrote a paragraph in an essay on the color and taste of purple. That was kind of odd, but i really enjoy writing things like that. I was talking with a friend recently about that and the color green. I think i might write something on the taste of green. (no, i dont have any problem like synesthesia or anything). by the tastes of green and purple i mean the tastes associated with those colors or rather the tastes i associate with those colors. The tastes i associate with those colors seem to be the artificial flavors of various fruits that seem to be those colors. like purple is associated with artificial grape and green is associated with green apple. Maybe not everyone associates them with each other but i do becasue i live in an urban environment where everything is artificially flavored. Maybe my blurb about green will turn up in one of these posts, who knows.

college apps

I've noticed that these blogs are kind of like college app essays. I can write whatever i want becasue the people i know (my friends basically) will never read it. I can say whatever i want without someone i know saying that what i'm writing isn't true or that it's not really me. to tell you the truth, i dont really think anyone of my friends really knows me. I guess since recently a few have started to see more of who i really am but i dont really think they know who i really am completely. i guess this is a bit reassuring.

I've just realized a bit of irony in these posts. You, someone i will probably never meet, will probably know me better than my friends who i see almost everyday. isn't that ironic?

well, anyway. I can't really think of anything to say right now... I've always had this problem where i don't really know what is on my mind so i can't really write about it. I guess it might be from all those years where i kept everything to myself and was very introverted. I still am a bit but not nearly as much as i used to be. I used to be that loser kid who didn't have any friends and now i feel like i have a lot of friends who actually like to hang out with me and whom i feel like are actual real friends. I used to hang out with people that i've recently realized, treat me a bit like shit (excuse my language, please). Now, i have friends that i really feel comfortable being myself around. I don't really worry, or even care, what the "popular kids" think about me anymore and i can be just myself.

Maybe this will help my mediocre writing skills too, just maybe...

mood: pretty happy

i'm feeling pretty good right now actually. I'm actually really liking this whole blogging thing and the fact that i can post stuff without people know who i am. I used to post things on facebook when i really needed to vent, but that obviously became a problem. On facebook everyone could see that the "notes" were written by me, just a tad of a problem. hmmm, i wonder if people can see me email address or anything that would say who i actually am on here. that would be a bit of a problem and kind of defeat the purpose of me writing on here.

Well, anyway, i'm feeling pretty good and dont really have anything to vent about. :)

wow, my first blog

wow, yeah this is my first blog, its kinda exciting, in a very non-exciting way. I guess i'll just start writing. The reason i started this was because i have things i want to say but dont want anyone to associate them with me, or just things i shouldn't really share or still be thinking about.

Things like experiences with ex girlfriends and stuff like that, maybe, or something else. maybe i'll just vent here.hmmm...

Itd be kinda odd if people i actually knew started reading this, but didnt know it was me. that would actually be kinda sweet.